Enough

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I finally let my guard down, and everything falls apart.

I think I’m where I’m meant to be, but then doubt rips through my heart.

Balancing the weight feels like a bomb or a grenade.

One tiny misstep and I ruin everything I’ve made.

Sometimes I feel lucky to do what’s in my heart.

But other days I wonder if this is just the start.

Will I always feel so insecure, like I am two feet small?

Does it get easy as time goes by, am I made for this at all?

I felt so sure right from the start, but doubt’s been creeping in.

And I’ve never been one for giving up,

I don’t want them to win.

They win if I quit without giving my all,

but that means finally tearing down the walls.

What if, without them, I can’t handle the fight?

What if it makes me not sleep at night?

If I’m not meant to be here, if I don’t make the cut,

I’m not sure I’ll find a place that ever makes me feel like I’m enough.

Advantage

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It’s been 10 years now and you’d think I would have learned that this is what you always do.

I thought maybe with time it would change, but I’m learning the problem isn’t me.

It’s you.

You are the one who pulls close, and then pushes away.

I was hoping I would be important enough to you to stay.

I understand that you have your struggles.

I’ve been with you through a lot of the pain.

But I’m sick of being the person that’s easy to throw away.

Sometimes I’m the first one you run to when things start to fall apart.

I’ve helped you pick up the pieces of multiple broken hearts.

But when life gets too heavy, and you think we’ve grown too close,

I’m always the first one to go.

I wish you saw how cruel it is to ghost someone whose lost so much.

But I don’t even think you realize what you’re doing,

you’re just used to using this as a crutch.

One day you’ll learn that I won’t be around forever,

and I’m definitely not naive.

So I hope you treat yourself better than you’re treating me.

Breaking the Cycle

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I can feel the weight of the day sitting right behind my eyelids.

As if this wasn’t enough, it brings me right back to when we were kids.

I look at her face, and I can see the hatred in your eyes.

I bet you still don’t know that you were my demise.

I bet you go about your days and you don’t think of me for a second.

But I’m still learning to let go of the messes.

I’m still learning how to catch the rope so I don’t fall.

But you probably don’t think of me at all.

I see her pain, and I wonder if that was you.

I wonder if you hurt me because someone hurt you, too.

Now I have to work at stopping the cycle you created.

Even though you deny that you made it.

Now I carry responsibilities around with me like a gun in my back pocket.

I need them to feel safe, but the weight makes me fear that I might drop it.

And if I drop it, I’m not the only one who gets hurt anymore.

If I fall, I carry a dozen with me out the door.

So at night when I pray, it’s not just for me and you.

I pray for the strength to get them through this, too.

Be Careful What You Wish For

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Sometimes it’s easier to pretend everything is perfect, than to admit things didn’t turn out how you’d wished.

At the time, you didn’t understand the phrase “be careful what you wish for”, but now you do.

You know it all too well.

You understand that something you wanted so badly got poisoned so quickly.

But you couldn’t stop it from happening.

You couldn’t stop them from poisoning the well, from throwing words carelessly like daggers, from making it so personal that it took your breath away.

You couldn’t help feeling like a dream was being stolen from you, all your hard work suddenly for nothing.

But there’s a secret spot, buried deep in your heart, that no one can touch.

And it saves you.

A spot that’s guarded,

chained,

fortified.

A spot they can’t touch anymore, and it saves you.

It saves the dream you worked so hard for.

It saves you from going back to that place, because they can’t see the light that shines in you.

They can’t see how hard you worked for this.

They can’t see the difference you make because it’s hard to choose to see things from a different perspective.

But that’s okay because even when a star dies, it’s light is still seen for a long time to come.

For The Children

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They speak of self-care, but they do not see

the faces of those who will forever haunt me.

The cute little boy, who when he gets mad,

he threatens to kill because of his dad.

Because dad beat up mom when he was on drugs,

and now this little boy does not know how to love.

I think of the boy who lives with his mom,

because one day he woke up and his dad was just gone.

Now this little boy does not know how to trust

because the man in his life chose to give up.

These kids do not know, they did not get to choose,

the homes they grow up in, how much they will lose.

It’s left up to us to help these kids grow strong,

with our limited budgets and wait lists so long.

But we continue to fight because in our hearts we know,

these children are worth it, and love always grows.

A New Beginning

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This whole time I didn’t know that all I needed was a new beginning.

A place where no one knows me,

A place to lift the weight off of my knees.

I didn’t know how to move on and maybe I still don’t,

but at least now I know there is a world outside of what I was shown.

There is a place that makes me feel like some of the puzzle pieces are starting to come together.

A place where I can explore, dream, and discover.

I hope you understand it’s not personal.

I just can’t be in the place where I watched our castle fall.

I can’t stand the memories of what I’ll never get back.

I couldn’t sit back and watch the train run off the tracks.

I’m not running away, though.

I’m learning that sometimes it’s okay to let go.

It’s okay to find happiness again.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my best friend.

It means that I love myself enough to know that this is not the end.

Now I know that it’s a new beginning.