Advantage

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It’s been 10 years now and you’d think I would have learned that this is what you always do.

I thought maybe with time it would change, but I’m learning the problem isn’t me.

It’s you.

You are the one who pulls close, and then pushes away.

I was hoping I would be important enough to you to stay.

I understand that you have your struggles.

I’ve been with you through a lot of the pain.

But I’m sick of being the person that’s easy to throw away.

Sometimes I’m the first one you run to when things start to fall apart.

I’ve helped you pick up the pieces of multiple broken hearts.

But when life gets too heavy, and you think we’ve grown too close,

I’m always the first one to go.

I wish you saw how cruel it is to ghost someone whose lost so much.

But I don’t even think you realize what you’re doing,

you’re just used to using this as a crutch.

One day you’ll learn that I won’t be around forever,

and I’m definitely not naive.

So I hope you treat yourself better than you’re treating me.

Breaking the Cycle

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I can feel the weight of the day sitting right behind my eyelids.

As if this wasn’t enough, it brings me right back to when we were kids.

I look at her face, and I can see the hatred in your eyes.

I bet you still don’t know that you were my demise.

I bet you go about your days and you don’t think of me for a second.

But I’m still learning to let go of the messes.

I’m still learning how to catch the rope so I don’t fall.

But you probably don’t think of me at all.

I see her pain, and I wonder if that was you.

I wonder if you hurt me because someone hurt you, too.

Now I have to work at stopping the cycle you created.

Even though you deny that you made it.

Now I carry responsibilities around with me like a gun in my back pocket.

I need them to feel safe, but the weight makes me fear that I might drop it.

And if I drop it, I’m not the only one who gets hurt anymore.

If I fall, I carry a dozen with me out the door.

So at night when I pray, it’s not just for me and you.

I pray for the strength to get them through this, too.

Be Careful What You Wish For

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Sometimes it’s easier to pretend everything is perfect, than to admit things didn’t turn out how you’d wished.

At the time, you didn’t understand the phrase “be careful what you wish for”, but now you do.

You know it all too well.

You understand that something you wanted so badly got poisoned so quickly.

But you couldn’t stop it from happening.

You couldn’t stop them from poisoning the well, from throwing words carelessly like daggers, from making it so personal that it took your breath away.

You couldn’t help feeling like a dream was being stolen from you, all your hard work suddenly for nothing.

But there’s a secret spot, buried deep in your heart, that no one can touch.

And it saves you.

A spot that’s guarded,

chained,

fortified.

A spot they can’t touch anymore, and it saves you.

It saves the dream you worked so hard for.

It saves you from going back to that place, because they can’t see the light that shines in you.

They can’t see how hard you worked for this.

They can’t see the difference you make because it’s hard to choose to see things from a different perspective.

But that’s okay because even when a star dies, it’s light is still seen for a long time to come.