Everything Is Different

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On a day like today, I wonder about you.

Are you celebrating?

Or is it just another day droning on, the same one you have been reliving for years now.

Do you miss us?

Do you miss me?

Do you even truly know the reasons behind the things you do?

I don’t think you realize when you are hurting someone.

Your own misery consumes you, and everything else falls by the wayside.

You think we will still be here in the end, waiting.

Pretending like nothing is different.

But we won’t.

Everything is different.

We are reaching for the sky, while you are still slogging through the mud.

We can only help so much before our efforts become useless.

Before the olive branch becomes a burden.

Before we realize we are worth more than this.

We are worth more than second best.

We are worth more than the silence.

You call us family, but those words are empty because family sticks together.

Everything is different now.

And maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Stronger Together

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“We’re doing well during this hard time, we want to help you out. We believe in what you’re doing, despite all of those who doubt.”

These words were unexpected, guilt momentarily gripped our hearts.

We never expect a handout, though this is ripping us apart.

But with a tear in your eye, a humble smile on your face, you thanked them for this kind gesture.

A renewed sense of faith to get through this mess, thanks to the kindness of relative strangers.

We see these things in movies, but never think it will happen to us.

But good things come when we stand up for ourselves, even when the fallout is rough.

We keep pushing forward and fighting the man, who keeps kicking us when we are down.

But we won’t be defeated or fading away with community around.

We’re stronger together and they can’t keep us apart, no matter how hard they try.

We’ll walk through the flames and come out unscathed, always side by side.

Everyday

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Everyday I show up.

I show up even when I don’t want to, because I believe in you.

Everyday I try to stay strong.

I grit my teeth and push through with a smile, and try to convince you it will all be worth while.

Everyday I put my feelings aside.

I walk through the door and leave my baggage at home, but sometimes it’s impossible to hide.

Everyday I talk you off the ledge.

I calm you down when you’re upset, and I pick up the pieces of the mess.

Everyday I give you hope.

I do my best to teach you new things, and encourage you to help your strengths grow.

Everyday I show you the way.

I teach you about kindness and responsibility, and hope that when you leave, these lessons stay.

Everyday I carry the burden.

I carry the weight of your problems around in my heart, and try to ease the hurting.

Everyday I pave the way.

I blaze a trail for you to follow, knowing the choice is yours at the end of the day.

Everyday I feel pride.

The days can be hard and the nights often long, but I’ve found my place in this passion of mine.

Everyday I have purpose.

I know in my heart I’m where I should be, despite the toll it sometimes takes on me.

25

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I’m just 25 and I know I’m so young, but I feel like I’ve lived 100 years.

Put in a box just like everyone else, but I keep saying fuck all the fears.

I know you don’t get it and I try to explain, but I just keep repeating myself.

Until I’m blue in the face at the end of the day,

because we both know there’s no other way.

So next time you tell me it’s this or it’s that,

and the world is just black or it’s white,

I’ll paint it all blue, green and purple too,

just to show you I’ve always been right.

I’ve always been one to go my own way, to build walls against tides rushing in.

But sometimes it hurts to peek over the fence and get burned by the sun shining in.

It’s beauty in the sky and keep us alive,

but it hurts if you stay just too long.

So I stay on my side with my walls built so high,

because I don’t trust those who casually stop by.

I’m just 25 and I shouldn’t say this because I should be young and carefree,

but with the scars on my heart and the thoughts in my head,

I find it hard to be me.

Hold

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The sun shines, but it’s glow casts a deceiving view of the world.

People are scared.

Real answers are rare, true freedom feels false, the unknowns lurking behind every corner.

No one knows how many casualties, lost souls, and broken hearts will remain once the dust settles.

But we do know who will rise to the top and who will fall, because this is all a game.

It’s a game with pre-chosen winners, with no one to warn those who will get lost among the shadows.

The winners have been decided and they get to make the choices.

They tell us what to do, how to do it, and then try to convince us it’s for our own good.

They make us think we need them, and then pull the rug out from underneath our feet.

They make us believe they are good, while they slowly line their pockets on the backs of our hard work.

So here we are now, hanging on by a thread.

Facing our biggest fears.

Trying to pull together so we don’t come apart.

One wrong move and we are all exposed,

vulnerable,

trying to piece together a solution to a problem we don’t understand.

Because what we fear can make us grow,

freeze,

or fade.

We are walking on a tightrope, and no one knows if the net will hold.

So hold on, hold dear, hold steady,

and breathe.

Enough

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I finally let my guard down, and everything falls apart.

I think I’m where I’m meant to be, but then doubt rips through my heart.

Balancing the weight feels like a bomb or a grenade.

One tiny misstep and I ruin everything I’ve made.

Sometimes I feel lucky to do what’s in my heart.

But other days I wonder if this is just the start.

Will I always feel so insecure, like I am two feet small?

Does it get easy as time goes by, am I made for this at all?

I felt so sure right from the start, but doubt’s been creeping in.

And I’ve never been one for giving up,

I don’t want them to win.

They win if I quit without giving my all,

but that means finally tearing down the walls.

What if, without them, I can’t handle the fight?

What if it makes me not sleep at night?

If I’m not meant to be here, if I don’t make the cut,

I’m not sure I’ll find a place that ever makes me feel like I’m enough.

Advantage

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It’s been 10 years now and you’d think I would have learned that this is what you always do.

I thought maybe with time it would change, but I’m learning the problem isn’t me.

It’s you.

You are the one who pulls close, and then pushes away.

I was hoping I would be important enough to you to stay.

I understand that you have your struggles.

I’ve been with you through a lot of the pain.

But I’m sick of being the person that’s easy to throw away.

Sometimes I’m the first one you run to when things start to fall apart.

I’ve helped you pick up the pieces of multiple broken hearts.

But when life gets too heavy, and you think we’ve grown too close,

I’m always the first one to go.

I wish you saw how cruel it is to ghost someone whose lost so much.

But I don’t even think you realize what you’re doing,

you’re just used to using this as a crutch.

One day you’ll learn that I won’t be around forever,

and I’m definitely not naive.

So I hope you treat yourself better than you’re treating me.